I woke up the morning after i got 91% in my high school grades, and i found this written on my computer:
I suck ..
I couldn't do what i want.
I disappointed myself.
I disappointed everyone who actually thought good in me.
The worse part ,
I know why this happened.
But the worst part is that i never looked to fix it!
i know this happened due my distance from Allah
and I've tried million times to fix it !
i keep saying he loves me that's why he plagues me with bad things
i never realized that this was his curse
i keep following the most optimistic rules in life , but that's not reality , that's not true
it's just a way to fool ourselves that we're happy , maybe in my case, to fool my self to KEEP CALM an every thing will be fine ,
the definition of "antakha"sitting there just do nothing .
waiting for a mentor to come and pull me up , not believing that i can be friends with Allah or with Quran or even with myself
i ended up alone miserable having no friends.
Thinking: maybe every body has to be in an entity
every one has to be in his own group,
i failed to live alone , and When i had an entity....
lets get back there to Allah , "to the point where he actually loved me , where he was giving me"
"Well i should really worry if he gave me what i needed!
if he made me happy " They say.
doing this to me and now , it means that he actually cares for me"
this bullshit i keep telling me self!
how can he even love you when you don't even pray , you don't say thanks to him for all the grace he gave you!
"he probably loves me , Allah doesn't hate any creature he created, especially you! you know you're special to him! "
just stop that bullshit , you don't even know what you're talking about , this positive mind is just too naive .
well you did ask him to get back to him even in the rough way
-but do u think I'll actually get back to him?
-why not who know , maybe tom morning you'll wake up and actually pray and cry between his arm begging for mercy one more time !
-do u think this it the hard way he wanted to get me back with , i told him in my Dua'a any hard way but not my grades :S
-he know this was the only way that will affect u and get you to sit here and talk with me about it!
-no , you cant get me with your damn positive mind!!! I'm not falling for you again , keeping calm and positive took me down , i mustn't let that happen again
-it has to happen , i am part of you you can't just erase me from your mind!! you know...
-i can do that , i will actually!"
-wait a second let me finish, you know you have to get back to your self, you know you're good , he plagued only to give you more after all , it's his test ,and this whole shit that i keep telling you!! keeping calm and positive is actually what took u through this year! , you know you wouldn't have made it out without me , i was the only friend you had after you refused all your new and old friends!
-what do u want from me now?
-get back to your creator! "the great knowledge is by knowing your creator and your goal" you do believe in that don't you?
-...and?
-get back to him , know him , you didn't get back because you have to , of even because you're afraid of him, you got back because you are him and he is you! you two are one entity , he is your entity , he is Your God
bs ya sedy w dakhalt anam!
I suck ..
I couldn't do what i want.
I disappointed myself.
I disappointed everyone who actually thought good in me.
The worse part ,
I know why this happened.
But the worst part is that i never looked to fix it!
i know this happened due my distance from Allah
and I've tried million times to fix it !
i keep saying he loves me that's why he plagues me with bad things
i never realized that this was his curse
i keep following the most optimistic rules in life , but that's not reality , that's not true
it's just a way to fool ourselves that we're happy , maybe in my case, to fool my self to KEEP CALM an every thing will be fine ,
the definition of "antakha"sitting there just do nothing .
waiting for a mentor to come and pull me up , not believing that i can be friends with Allah or with Quran or even with myself
i ended up alone miserable having no friends.
Thinking: maybe every body has to be in an entity
every one has to be in his own group,
i failed to live alone , and When i had an entity....
lets get back there to Allah , "to the point where he actually loved me , where he was giving me"
"Well i should really worry if he gave me what i needed!
if he made me happy " They say.
doing this to me and now , it means that he actually cares for me"
this bullshit i keep telling me self!
how can he even love you when you don't even pray , you don't say thanks to him for all the grace he gave you!
"he probably loves me , Allah doesn't hate any creature he created, especially you! you know you're special to him! "
just stop that bullshit , you don't even know what you're talking about , this positive mind is just too naive .
well you did ask him to get back to him even in the rough way
-but do u think I'll actually get back to him?
-why not who know , maybe tom morning you'll wake up and actually pray and cry between his arm begging for mercy one more time !
-do u think this it the hard way he wanted to get me back with , i told him in my Dua'a any hard way but not my grades :S
-he know this was the only way that will affect u and get you to sit here and talk with me about it!
-no , you cant get me with your damn positive mind!!! I'm not falling for you again , keeping calm and positive took me down , i mustn't let that happen again
-it has to happen , i am part of you you can't just erase me from your mind!! you know...
-i can do that , i will actually!"
-wait a second let me finish, you know you have to get back to your self, you know you're good , he plagued only to give you more after all , it's his test ,and this whole shit that i keep telling you!! keeping calm and positive is actually what took u through this year! , you know you wouldn't have made it out without me , i was the only friend you had after you refused all your new and old friends!
-what do u want from me now?
-get back to your creator! "the great knowledge is by knowing your creator and your goal" you do believe in that don't you?
-...and?
-get back to him , know him , you didn't get back because you have to , of even because you're afraid of him, you got back because you are him and he is you! you two are one entity , he is your entity , he is Your God
bs ya sedy w dakhalt anam!
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